This year, readers of this blog have been subjected to a long, heated, and sometimes confusing series of debates on the subject of Catholicism and capital punishment. To help you take stock, here’s a guide to the key terms and concepts, in the spirit of Daniel Dennett’s famous Philosophical Lexicon:
harty, adjective. Gratuitously vituperative, especially toward straw men. “David is so erudite. Why does he have to be harty all the time?”
sheameless, adjective. Harty to the point of spittle-flecked incoherence. “Mark has been harty ever since the Iraq war, but these days he’s absolutely sheameless.”
fastiggious, adjective. Fussily deferential to doctrinally imprecise and non-binding papal statements. “Bob has gotten so fastiggious lately. He’s convinced that even the pope’s doodles are magisterial.”bruggered, adjective. Hopelessly lost in a novel theological construction of one’s own invention. “It’s so sad. Chris showed such promise, but he’s gotten bruggered senseless.”
megivern, adjective. Portmanteau of meshuga and forgiven. Taking mercy to an extreme that defies common sense. “Good grief, that’s the most megivern argument against the death penalty I’ve heard yet.”
Swetland, proper noun. An imaginary magical realm where a reversal of doctrine counts as a development of doctrine. “Father means well, but I’m afraid he’s bought a one way ticket to Swetland.”
imbergoglio, noun. A pointless, entirely avoidable doctrinal mess. “Hmm, by my count that makes seven imbergoglios this year alone.”
peters, plural noun. Eminent canon lawyers. “Good luck refuting my book. I’ve got all the peters on my side.”
flannery, noun. Praise from a distinguished theological authority. “Even flannery will get you nowhere with some people.”
schall, noun. An uneasy mood created by flannery for an unpopular theological opinion. “The unexpected flannery the book received cast a schall over the whole discussion.”
royal, noun. Flannery disseminated by way of mass media. “After the book got the royal treatment, the schall was bound to spread far and wide.”
long, verb. To yearn for a return to theological sanity. “Steve longed day and night for a neoscholastic revival, and the more baroque the better.”
longnecker, noun. Someone thought to long in private, but who in public theological controversies tends to look on with detachment. “Fr. Dwight is something of a longnecker.”
Petri dish, noun. Dominican device for reviving dormant theological truths. Used in seminaries and study centers. “Fr. Thomas carefully placed the thesis in the Petri dish, but sometimes it takes a decade or two to see results.”
griffeth, verb. Archaic form of griff, to engage an opponent with unjustifiable condescension. “O friend Paul, methinks thou dost griffeth too readily.”
grisez, adjective. Portmanteau of griff and blasé. Excessively confident in the consistency of a novel view with orthodoxy. “Germain casually waves aside millennia of consistent Catholic teaching, which strikes me as grisez.”
finnis, noun. The end result or inevitable consequence of adhering to a grisez school of thought. “When John caved in on capital punishment, he crossed the finnis line.”
tollefson, noun. A docile student or follower of a grisez school of thought. “The Master declared the death penalty contrary to a basic good, and all of his tollefsons have fallen into line.”
armstrong, verb. Boldly but casually to insinuate a falsehood in the hope that others will go along with it. “Dave tried to armstrong me into a debate. Can you believe that guy?”
bessette, adjective. Overwhelmed by the force of evidence and argument for an unpopular thesis. “I hoped I could find a way around the arguments for capital punishment, but I soon found myself bessette on all sides.”
feser, verb. Relentlessly to drive home a point that should be obvious. “Dude, I get the point already. Stop fesering it!”
MORE COMEDY GOLD IN THEM THAR ARCHIVES: